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May 10, 2003
The Eye of the Needle - part 1
Johnny Peaceseed News Service
Washington, D.C., May 10, 2003
Vice-president Dick Cheney, in a live feed from his bunker, was ask about the veracity of a report that the U.S. has constructed a secret laboratory on the outskirts of Los Alamos, New Mexico to work on two related issues that have perplexed scientists for close to two thousands years. The report states that the United States is close to a breakthrough in both the medical and meta-physical sciences. The conundrums being researched center around why it harder for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.
Cheney, while not directly confirming the report, did say, “This is about fairness and equal rights for everyone. We possess the technology to make some real big needles and with the advent of genetic engineering we can expect to breed us some pretty darn tiny camels. We must take this thorny national security issue by the horns. If we’re successful, and we can enlarge those needles and shrink them camels enough, it’ll be real easy for that dromedary to slip right through that eye, and then I see no reason why most of my fellow Republicans won’t immediately be admitted to the promised land.” He hastily added, “Upon their demise, of course.”
In a related story, there are reports of wealthy families in Martha’s Vineyard, Kennebunkport and other enclaves gathering on their estates and holding prayer vigils at the earth-shattering news. Laughter and delighted praise be’s could be heard echoing across the adjacent bays and wafting over the walls of the compounds, witnesses said.
In Seattle, it is reported that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has made a substantial contribution to the project. Gates, when told that the story was breaking, said, “Melinda and I see this as a genuine step forward in breaking down the class warfare waged by the poor and disadvantaged on our most well-to-do citizens. If we are successful this will go a long way to leveling the playing field.”
In London, George Franklin Getty was overheard to say, “I only wish my father J. Paul was alive today to hear of this amazing breakthrough.” At Westminster Abbey, the Archbishop of Canterbury issued the following statement, “After much prayer to God, I believe that while the Almighty may be a bit perturbed at the effrontery of the Americans, I am sure that he will be pleased that this long standing inequity is at last addressed.
Meanwhile, angry bottle throwing mobs have gathered around the homes of some of New York City’s most affluent trendsetters. Signs proclaimed, “So, you really can buy your way into heaven,” and “Hell’s starting to look better and better.” The National Guard has been alerted and the first contingent of troops is on its way to the troubled neighborhoods, according to Governor Pataki’s Office.
In Washington D.C., Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was heard mumbling, "My Master isn't going to like this," over and over. Observers weren't sure exactly what he meant. When asked to comment on the reports, President Bush raised has eyebrows, winked and smirked, but refused to comment.
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Johnny Peaceseed