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May 12
The Eye of the Needle - part 2
JPNS
For Immediate Release
Washington, D.C. May 12, 2003
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. – Jesus
An unforeseen consequence is emerging from the recent announcement by Vice-President Dick Cheney (see the JPNS story dated May 10, 2003) that the United States was close to a breakthrough in the simultaneous enlargement of needles and a corresponding reduction in the size of camels. White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, when asked to comment on the Vice-President’s announcement, was quoted at saying, “It is premature to say that we have reached our goal, but we fully expect that, in the coming months, we will have a working prototype of a needle with an eye big enough to easily accommodate a genetically modified camel of unparalleled diminutiveness . With further refinement, we believe that the age old challenge of limited access for rich people to the benefits of heaven will finally be resolved. Let me be clear, it has never been our intention to somehow bypass the teachings of Jesus, but we also feel that his words did leave an opening for advancements in technology. We see this as a thoughtful reexamination of what it means to worship the Almighty.”
And with this reexamination, rich people everywhere suddenly realized that, if this obstacle was removed, perhaps they really could “take it with them,” or at the very least lubricate the hinges of the Pearly Gates. In a spirit of giving never before seen by religious leaders in America, a vast upwelling of gifts from America’s wealthiest citizens is pouring into Christian churches of all denomination. In Atlanta, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, when asked what he thought of the news, replied, “I have prayed my whole life for this moment. Now all Christians are welcome. My flock just got a bit bigger, and a whole lot better, I might add. The Lord works in mysterious ways.” In Dallas, former presidential candidate Ross Perot went further, “Now you know that us rich folk didn’t pay a whole lot of mind to those ten commandments, because ,hey, so what, we weren’t going anyplace where they might help us. But now, I reckon we might have to do a little rethinking on a few dos and don’ts.”
With the outpouring of gifts from America’s elite comes a simple request – “to put in a word, a prayer, if you will, to the Lord for these humble worshippers, your most successful children.” The Prayer of the Rich, as the prayer has come to be called, is simple but eloquent, “Our Heavenly Father, let bygones be bygones, we pray. Let us bow to your superior might as we humbly offer our souls to your keeping. O Lord, now that the last obstacle to our admittance into thy kingdom is being swept aside by the miracle of modern science we beseech you to find us worthy of a place by your side. Our formidable assets, and Yes Lord, our vast resources, make us uniquely qualified to join You in the Kingdom of Heaven. When we die, O Lord, may it be a very long time from this day. And when that day does comes, when the finest medicines and doctors so working tirelessly can no longer keep us alive, may we pass peacefully into thy Kingdom. We beg you, O Lord, let us join you in all your comfort and glory and may thy will be done in heaven as it is on earth. Amen.”
In pulpits across America ministers, preachers, pastors and priests are beseeching their flocks to, “Pray, children, pray for the rich. Pray like you’ve never prayed before. Our coffers are filling. Thank you, O Lord. God bless the rich and God bless America.”
This scene is being repeated over and over from California to Texas and from Alabama to Maine. The rich are finally “giving it up.” Believing that they were forever doomed to an everlasting life in hell or at least detained in purgatory for a long, long time, the rich are investing in a future that was so long denied them. It is a moment that is destined to go down in history as one of man’s finest hour.
Amen
Johnny Peaceseed