JPNS
Press Release
For Immediate Release
 
August 18, 2005

God’s Plan Revealed

Reformed Southern True Bible Revival Church
666 New Hope Blvd.
Little Rock, Arkansas 66600-6969
1-800-1-No-Kill
 
Reverend Ross Godsmack, of the Reformed Southern True Bible Revival Church revealed that, after much studying by the church’s biblical scholar, a new and more accurate interpretation of the Holy Bible has been released to the world. Available soon, the new Bible will be sold exclusively through a massive email marketing campaign and through the Shopping Channel. Look for details this fall in your inbox.
 
Along with many subtle changes the new Bible’s most striking revelation is that, according to Reverend Godsmack,  “When God said, ‘Thou shall not kill,’ he meant for us, his children, to not kill anything as well as anyone. Whereas most Christians today tend to ignore the prohibition, or at least to limit it’s to first degree murder, we believe that those four words are easy to understand. We believe God meant thou shalt not kill anyone or anything. Because mankind has chosen a narrower interpretation the world is in the mess it is in.”
 
“We believe that, when God gave those stone tablets to Moses, he must have seen that it would be very difficult to actually obey such a rigid stricture. He knew that his people had to eat, and, at that time, the only things you could eat were the animals and plants of the earth. Also, the chosen people  had some pretty nasty enemies that only responded to killing.”
 
Reverend Godsmack continued, “Now God knew that his flock would starve or might be killed by their enemies if the enemies weren’t killed first, so he looked the other way and let the people interpret the sixth commandment as they chose. So, when the people killed and smote their enemies, they could justify it by saying, ‘It’s OK to kill in war because our way of life is in danger, and besides, God is on our side.’ You might think that God would be upset by their interpretation. But we need to remember that when his children warred, the Lord didn’t rain down terror from above, and He didn’t open the seas and drown them, and He didn’t shock them all with lightning.
 
“So, we assume God must have been thinking, ‘Well, maybe if my people just don’t kill pigs and eat them, and if they only kill their enemies and other wrong-doers that will be enough, until they are sufficiently technologically advanced.’ We believe that God was willing to tolerate the abuse of his commandment until the people were advanced sufficiently to practice it fully. We believe the Almighty must have winked and looked the other way.”
 
“Until today, that is. For today, it is my great pleasure to announce to you that we have finally reached a level of know-how that we no longer have to kill anything or anyone in order to prosper and follow the path of the Lord. ‘Thou Shalt Not Kill’ can now be more than hollow words. Today we officially launch a two pronged attack to get killing out of the human vocabulary.”
 
“First, to address the killing of enemies, we have made arrangements with the good people at Smith and Wesson™ to design a new line of gun that doesn’t kill your enemy or assailant, it just really messes them up good. The line, called Live Meat Specials®, uses patented OrganSaver® slugs. The slugs are designed not to penetrate the body, but rather to do as much surface damage as possible The new line will be out in time for the Christmas shopping season.”
 
“Second, to address the killing of animals and plants, and in cooperation with the Nabisco Division™ of the Phillip Morris Company™, the Dupont Corporation™ and Exxon Oil™, we are pleased to declare a breakthrough in food production technology. Our fine partners have developed, after much research, a new line of animal and plant-free food products made entirely from by-products from the chemical and petroleum industries.”
 
“The new product line, called Sixth Commandment Foods®, will be available nationally in the coming weeks. These fine products will be entirely free of any natural or living ingredients. With new FlavorSavior® chemical foods, you won’t believe you’re not eating a juicy steak or a savory french, excuse me, Freedom Fry. In addition, a line of foods based on animals that were already deceased called Road Treats® will be available in limited markets.”
 
“We hope that this heralds a new beginning for mankind. The Lord must be looking down on his flock and He must be smiling. Praise the Lord.”
 
Spokespersons for Phillip Morris™, Dupont™, Exxon Oil™ and Smith and Wesson™ were unavailable for comment.
 
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